Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
