I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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