My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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