put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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