how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
