Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
