The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
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