I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
