youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
