a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize