Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize