This girl is more easily done than said...
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize