Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
This is the high leading the old right now
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
