I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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