matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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