I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
