hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
