Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
