I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
