OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Randomize