Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
