i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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