yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
