goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
