Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
