WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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