So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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