Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
