New invention idea: vibrating tampons
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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