apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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