I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You need a sexual gate keeper
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
