so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Randomize