Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize