i think i have two assholes
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
