My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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