i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
