my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
