new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
