I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize