So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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