Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
