Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i think i have two assholes
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Also, beer. Big fan.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
