Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
