omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
