just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
She needs sedatives and a leash
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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