I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
