Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
my nose is crying tears of wow.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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