Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
