My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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