I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize