Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Pants are for mortals
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
