If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
