I'm really into asian looking animals
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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