peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
