dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
