my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
