I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
