I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
