Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
