Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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