New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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