you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
