I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
